Peeing on sticks

One of my favorite pastimes is peeing on a stick. If I could buy them in bulk at Costco I would. It would save me so much time and effort to be able to walk in and grab one of those big red flatbed carts, take it over to the pharmacy section and load on a gigantic case (or two) of little tiny important pee-sticks. Then I wouldn't have to panic every month and buy one (or two) pee-sticks at the grocery store.

Not that I ever expect anything different from the result. It's usually the same, although not usually the same language. Some speak horizontal lines: 1 line is postive, no line is negative. Some speak in plus and minus (self explanatory) and some actually have a digital read out that says "pregnant" or "not pregnant", because only 31% of college graduates know how to follow instructions.

This last time I bought one that spoke in plus or minus, although I didn't read the instructions beforehand because I'm a college graduate. I peed. (I have to brag that I have quite the technique for peeing on sticks, and if anyone needs any pointers, I'm your man.) I place the peed on stick on the bathroom counter and leave. No biggie. I know the result, so I can easily just let it sit for an indeterminate amount of time before reading the result.

I come back into the bathroom 37 seconds later (even though the box says to wait for three minutes) and the result window has a plus in it. hhhmmm...a plus. Doesn't a plus mean positive? No. No, it can't because it's really a negative, so I'll get out the instructions.

read read read...."if there is a positive symbol in the result window and a line in the control window then the result is positive".

Look again. Still positive. Shaking begins. A normal response to such a simple answer. I look, yet again. Just making sure my eyes aren't lying. Nope, still positive. Matches the stupid picture in the instructions and on the side of the box.

It's positive.

It's not even 7 AM and I'm sweaty!

I know that title sounds dirty, but it's just because I just got back from the gym! I started working out with my Doctor (that also sounds strange, but you would just have to meet her to get it) three days a week. It's been really nice, although today she didn't show, which leads me to believe she either couldn't break away from her infant or she was just too sore to get out of bed. That was almost my problem this morning.

I started a quilt this week. I started with a full Queen size in mind and now it's been downsized to a toddler/crib size quilt. After I started pieces squares together I realized just how many it would take, even if I filled in between the squares AND I don't have a place to put it all together that's big enough. It's adorable though - all pastels and baby-like. I'm excited. After that I'll up my expectations to a bigger one.

I have always liked quilts. Liked the way that they felt. The thick heavy texture always felt very very cozy to me. I think sometimes I would prefer it to our down comforter but I'm not ready to start that battle with Joe! :)

We also paid off a debt yesterday! Very exciting! We're one small step closer to being free adults! Well, that's if you don't count my enormous student loans.

I'm not feeling all that sassy today. not sure why...must be the endorphins. But I think I'm goign to go back to bed now and try to sleep for a little while before really starting my day. If Ali's gonna sleep, I might as well snuggle right up next to her and enjoy it.

Broken Record

I feel like a big fat broken record lately...which I should apologize for. I'm sorry.

It's again, after midnight and I've had too much caffeine. I KNEW that it would keep me up, but I figured that since it was a friday night who cared if I stayed up late, except that I was tired, physically. So I'm sitting on the couch watching a movie that joe spent time getting and then felt like I couldn't pay attention to it because I was tired. Then I laid down and my head turned on. This has got to stop. I have got to quit cold turkey. No more coffee or soda.

(I'm having flashbacks of a close friend and his many "cold turkey" moments! LOL!)

Anyway, I have now played a few games of zuma, shopped, read up on caffeine and what it does to your body, as well as the body of your child if they are breastfeeding (yay for me) and found some music online.

Can I go to sleep yet. Nope...doesn't feel like it.

Zuma...here I come.

Christmas Bliss

I am, for the first time in my life, truly enjoying the christmas upswing. Not that as a child I didn't love it, but that's a totally different perspective. As a child Christmas is about you. It's about what you want and dream and can imagine. Then you leave home and it's about knowing that what you want is totally unaffordable to everyone who has you on their Christmas list and having to be happy with the smaller things in life. Not that you're ever unhappy or ungrateful, but that you have to realize that some dreams take time and they're not just going to be handed to you (and I didn't have a childhood of being handed much, but go figure).

I've spent the last ten years figuring out who I wanted to be, and in that time got a degree, got married and had a child. Very textbook if you think about it *ha ha*. But it wasn't until I started being able to shop for the same things that I dreamed about as a child that I regained that christmas spirit again.

I'm sure what I'm saying is something that every parent has realized, and that this is old news to people. Or maybe you always loved/hated Christmas and none of that changed with children.

My best friend has two beautiful children, who are showered with presents every year, most of which the relatives purchase. But every year she is unhappy. She's unhappy with the shopping (which, if you know who I'm talking about, may confuse you!), the family gatherings and the stress that accompanies it all. But this year their family did something really creative - they decided to not buy presents for anyone but the kids and to put money into a pot for an extravagant Christmas dinner. I've never her seen her so relaxed during the holidays.

My stress isn't really attached to gift giving, it's attached to Christmas cards! HA! Every year I vow to get them out and only last year did I get them out for the first time, but I decided to make them! What an idiot idea that was. It took me forever, and I had to make a complicated card. So this year I just went and bought the ones I like and printed off pictures.

This brings up the debate about sending pictures of yourself. I've heard people comment about how they don't care about somebody elses family photo or how cute their kid has gotten (mine is definetely the cutest), but I disagree. I LOVE getting family photos from people. It feels personal and sweet and it reminds me of my friendships with them.

I'm just rambling because I've just finished a cup of coffee and need to get some things done....this is delaying the inevitable trip to the post office and laundry doing. sigh...but they MUST be done.

YAAAWWWNNNNN.....

Just thinking about typing the word yawn makes me yawn! ugh. It's 2:24 in the morning...and time is still ticking. I went to bed at midnight, but after an hour of being uncomfortable and annoyed at Ali's twitches and Joe's breathing/snoring I had to get up. So I came and played four million and three games of Zuma. I am now comforted in knowing that I came out here with the most awful song in the world stuck in my head (Green Day: When September Ends) and I'm going back to bed with it still in my head and with a little Zuma screen dancing around, trying to destroy little zuma balls. yay.

I think I need to lay off of the caffeine tomorrow. and maybe every day after that. This the fourth or fifth night in a row, not to mention a few scattered previous to that. Staying at home means I don't have to get up at a certain time. I just have to be self motivated enough to get my ass out of bed before 10...ahem 11 AM. You would think that wouldn't be difficult since I've been doing it for YEARS!

I just can't shut my brain off. I'm little miss creative as soon as my head hits the pillow. Tonight it's my book idea. Can't stop thinking about it. And I know that if I start writing stuff down that I'll NEVER go to sleep, so instead I layed there and thought about it forever.

Actually I had a dream/idea in my going to sleepy state where I thought up our next child's name. Ketchikan. Have no idea where that came from, but we can call him ketch as a nickname. What do you think? Actually, I think it's freaking ridiculous too. But let's see if someone steals my idea! I bet you they do! Stupid freaks.

Wow...I think this might just have done it. I might have just found enough release to calm my brain down. You guys are the greatest. Look what you've done for me. Please please please....if there is ANYTHING I can do to return the favor, just let me know!

*wink wink*

The numbing of domesticity

I've been struggling to sit down and write about one specific thing. I find that my drive is pretty low and that I just don't have the want to care. I'm just going to grab at a topic that I've been dealing with and thinking about in the past couple of hours and dive in! How about that!

Breastfeeding. But not just breastfeeding, but extended breastfeeding. What is right and what is wrong about it? How long is long enough and how long until it gets to be psychologically damaging? Or uncomfortable? Of course every mother is different and there are many societal opinions on what you should or shouldn't do.

It's been a wonderful experience and a great bond for Ali and myself, but that doesn't mean it's been easy. And it's not that it would be easier to formula feed her, but with everything that's right comes challenges. Not only have I chosen to exclusively breastfeed her but she also cosleeps.

We didn't start out cosleeping, and in fact hadn't considered it. It wasn't until she was three months old and refused to sleep anywhere but in your arms due to teething pain that we decided to try it. And it stuck. We all slept longer and more peacefully. I was able to feed her without physically getting up, which was much better on my sanity since I was working some still.

But now Alison is almost 18 months old and in need of certain boundaries. I hear people pressure me personally to wean her and I see the looks of loved ones and strangers that think I should either stop breastfeeding, stick her in her own bed or both. But when I consider those changes I have to weigh whether or not they are better or easier or whether they are just different.

If I wean her at this point then I'm losing not only the bond I share with her but she also is still receiving much immunological benefit from my breastmilk. She also does not drink soy or dairy and therefore cannot have a replacement for the protein and other benefits that most milks provide.

At night, her nursing tends to frustrate me and make me resentful. Not all nights but some. And most of the time those nights pass and I become appreciative that we have this time because it will not last forever, no matter how I feel at the moment.

We are going to try and night wean her starting tonight. I know that it will be huge battle...so Joe is prepared to sleep on the couch and I may end up needing him to take over at points as well. We thought about having me sleep on the couch for a few nights just to see how she does without me there, but I wonder if she would actually stop once I came back to bed or if she would just slide right back into her old patterns. She is very willful and stubborn - not unlike both of her parents.