Crawling is for Sissys!

Those dumb babies - crawling! That's so out. I'm telling you, the crap you can see and get into when you're a foot higher is UNBELIEVABLE! For instance, my mom likes to click her fingers on this big black thing attached to a pretty lighted moving picture. It's cool, but it's even cooler when I click on it and she yells. I think maybe I did something cool when she jumps around and says words I don't know. But I get so mad when she makes me sit somewhere else. I eventually always make it back over to her and let her know I'm unhappy. Then I see a shiny thing and I show off how I can walk over to it and eat it. I bet nobody else can eat little shiny things like me! I ROCK!

Midnight Venting

I know that this is not as entertaining as it should be, so you can just skip my rant if you want. I'm just going to let it flow and it might not make ANY sense.

I've just had a sloth-like day. I know that it's mostly been my diet. There's is junk food in the house and I'm using it as my excuse. I know that if i eat it, I won't want to be productive, even though I know that I'll be frustrated by the end of the day that I didn't get what I wanted done. And at the same time I'm practicing not being frustrated with not getting things done, so I'm perpetuating laziness. YAY! And I'm such a control freak.

Control freaks, beware. If you want to remain in control, never have children. They will run your life.

I actually think I do pretty well, working around Alison's demands. I have adjusted my work life to where we have systems and we work well around each other. She has standard nap time and everything is very consistent, but when we get home it gets confusing. I think because we're not always at home in the afternoon it's not consistent enough. Anyway...my lack of control doesn't bother me until it's time for her to sleep and I can see that she's tired, but she won't go down. And since I put her to sleep in our bed, it's even more frustrating when I'm falling asleep and she's decided it's not naptime. I get SO mad! Yesterday I had to breath, count to myself and chant, "Amber, it's not her fault. You can't be mad at her. She's just a baby, and you're acting like one". It didn't work. I ended up getting up with her, putting on a movie, and leaving her alone in the living room so that I could get at least ONE thing accomplished. I checked on her every few minutes and she cried the entire time. But a funny thing - I didn't feel bad, which I know is natural but feels wrong to me somehow.

I won't feel guilt. I had to keep my sanity and since I can't beat my child, I guess letting her cry for 10 minutes will just have to do. Especially since she got my undivided attention for the rest of the afternoon. Then she got to go to church and play with toys with Nonna.

On top of all of that we got into a religious discussion in our house tonight. My husband is the most amazing man for being able to tolerate my weirdness, but sometimes I get insecure that he's going to think that I'm crazy and lose respect for me. He also has what I believe to be a very male perspective on spirituality and religion. He wants me to prove my beliefs to him and I didn't have someone prove them to me, I just follow my gut and my experiences, as brief as they may be. Just like he does, but because we come from such opposite ends of the earth he doesn't see it as the same.

I am so defensive about my spirituality. I don't mean to be, and yet it's mine and no one elses. I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone or anything. I can believe that Kevin Spacey is the Messiah from Mars and I shouldn't have to prove that to anyone or anything if I keep it to myself. If someone wants to ask me what I believe then I can try my best to put it into words, but I don't really have a label for my feelings about god. I have some very basic beliefs that guide me. And I honestly don't know where they might lead me to.

I recently thought that I could guide those beliefs to create a more unified front in my house. Maybe I could at least come to understand christianity. I found myself pushing so hard that I quit listening to my gut. I wanted to hear the guts of others. Those that had been baptised and read the bible every day. Surely those people's hearts would speak to me. But all I heard was the same droning of daily life controlled by a faith in something that to me doesn't seem like a merciful god. It felt limited and controlled. And when you threw family into it I started to fall into the guilt trap.

For those family members who may be reading this, I do not want anyone to think I don't respect their beliefs. I adore my husband and do not think him wrong for his faith. I find it amazing and beautiful. For myself I find it wrong. Many christians may or may not understand this. I really am just hoping for harmony and happiness in my life and my marriage without sacrificing my own heart. I can always hope that one day it will be less of a challenge for me in my house, but until then I think this is just the one issue Joe and I will have. And since I believe almost every couple has to have their roadblocks, this is the one we have chosen. Although, like I said, Joe refuses to let it be. He has a tolerance and love for me that surpasses anything I could ever have imagined. I am so lucky.

So it's not 11:36 in the evening. We had a long night of Alison not wanting to go to sleep and arguing intermittently. I spent the entire afternoon watching the first season of America's Top Model. Evil TV! THE ENTIRE SEASON! God, I'm a sloth! I got two loads of laundry moved through the dishwasher, but not folded. But if I start counting the things I got done or didn't get done I might get upset, so let's just leave it at that.

Tomorrow's plan is to get Alison up early with me so that we can start her day earlier and hope it makes her bedtime more solid. That way I'll also be feeding her a normal breakfast. We'll see how all of that goes.

Here's a tidbit for your brain. Check out this website about a channeler who channels Ramtha. You can see more about Ramtha and his teachings on the movie "What the bleep do we know". A very interesting movie about physics, spirituality, religion and how you are in control of your universe.

Hugs! Time to go to sleep now!

Alison is a toddler!

I think I can officially say my daughter is a toddler. She's walking (a few feet at a time, but still) and starting to call everything "dada". I think she knows who "dada" is, but everything seems to resemble him as well. My journal was "dada" this morning. Made me take a second glance at my husband - wanted to make sure his head was square and flat. Ha ha...I'm hilarious.

She also dances! It's so cute. I'm not sure if she's fly-girl status yet, but she's working on it. She's got the hip swaying thing down. Next week we'll start tap dancing lessons and then salsa class, jazz combo class, ballet by age two (oh, and don't forget her language and piano lessons). Joe and I also decided to send her to an all-girls military school around at 10. She's spend her summers at art camp, that way she'll be very well rounded. AND we'll get our astronaut-lawyer-doctor-jazz pianist-cancer-curing-scientist. Wow...we're the best parents ever!

You know that there has to be people in this world who think like that seriously. Kind of like the guy...oh what's his name? Cowboy Troy? God, if that isn't some messed up sh-t, then I don't know what is. If you have a minute, I seriously recommend listening to a few tracks. It's some of the funniest stuff I've heard, mostly because it's not supposed to be funny.

Actually, one of the funniest tv ads ever (not sure if it's real or not. I'm trying to figure that one out) is for Nutrigrain. My friend Nik emailed it to me and I can't stop laughing about.

Then there's the Fat Kid!

That's my funny for the day! I hope you are all having a positive wonderful day!

Family...sigh

Why is it that we have to be related to people? Not that all family sucks...but there's always that one that was brought in by marriage (hopefully) that you just can't understand what planet they came off of. It must have been dark, ugly, and he must have been a king, cause he sure does think Earth sucks ass.

The first sign of negativity came with a huge eye roll. Granted, I did say the word "macrobiotics", but I was not being preachy or snobby, I was having a discussion about our sick grandmother and different diets that 'maybe' could assist her failing health. I caught the eye roll out of the corner of my eye. Instantly I was irritated, but figured ignorance breeds contempt, so let him be an ass. But it only got worse.

Everything at the restaurant was awful, badly presented (we were at freakin applebees for god's sake) and rancid. He didn't want the potatos they had, but the potatoes he got were "disgusting".

On to the topic of moving and real estate. uh oh - don't talk about money. Money is even worse that potatoes. This from the man whose house was built by his father-in-law who, as far as I know, doesn't like him but obviously loves his daughter. So, okay, maybe there are some financial woes, but holy crap, is life really that bad? When Joe and I started talking about where and what we might like to do in the future for our home he actually said, "Lucky in Love or Lucky in Finance, but you can't have both." WHAT?

So what does that mean? You have a free house, so do you not consider that lucky? And if you do, then you just trashed your wife. ugh. We just couldn't believe the negativity coming from just one person.

I also think he didn't want to be there. I wonder if he wife made him go. Maybe he knows we don't respect him (joe and I). Maybe he just doesn't like us. Which, I really could are less about. I wish for his family's sake that he sees some happiness in his life, because he's just dragging everyone down. so so sad.