Thursday, September 29, 2005

More Pictures!!

Ali and Layne napping

Ali, Joe and Layne - Chilling on the couch

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Bitching and Boobies

I was planning on writing some mushy reflective piece about the beauty of breastfeeding. But thanks to Ali, all mushiness has gone out the window. It’s almost 11 PM and she’s still awake, although she’s been half-asleep for the last half hour. That’s AFTER I pulled her out of Nonna’s car totally out!  We went right into the bedroom to go to sleep. We nursed, rubbed her back, nursed again, laid down and got sang too, etc etc. After a half hour I gave up. My patience meter reached its point of no return.  

Now I have some strange sharp pain in my right temple, I’m hungry again, and I really really want to go to bed without a baby, but I happen to have two in my presence.  Ugh.  Babies babies babies!  I cannot believe that women actually have two children so close together. They should be committed. To have a baby again after you just had a baby is the most INSANE thing I’ve ever seen.  

On top of that I just was realizing that I have no idea what we’re going to do in six months when Layne gets too big for the co-sleeper.  I’m not ready to have ali sleep in another room!  See!!! I’m freaking out, and for no reason.  

Okay.....ooohhhhhmmmm....breathing.  Yes, mom, I’m reiki-ing! I’m telling myself to relax. It doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s George’s fault (no, not my childhood neighbor)!

So – the romanticism of breastfeeding: Ahem.  They eat, they sleep, they poop, and someday you will one day own your breasts again. Is that romantic enough for you?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Yerd Bird!!


Only one month to go!!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Baby Mama Drama

This is what happens when you leave a bored child alone with two boxes of baby wipes.

It’s Joe’s birthday today.  It’s sad, but every time I talked to him I forgot it was birthday because we were so wrapped up in Layne drama. I hate drama. I just want to be baby happy. Not baby drama.  Baby mama drama.  Ugh.  She’s such a drama queen. Some of you know...and some of you are lucky to not know!  Needless to say it was a fun day!

Layne seems to be settling in nicely though. He’s digging the breastfeeding now. And it has really relaxed him. We’re also getting the sling figured out. Which at first I didn’t think would happen!  It sounded like such a great idea until I put it on and I couldn’t figure out how to keep him in it without him suffocating a hundred different ways or without him swinging around and around until he just feel out.  That would have been fun!

Some people complain about their in-laws. Well, most all people complain about them, but it’s just a different levels of discomfort I think. Anyway, Joe’s Mom (Nonna) has been so giving since we got Layne. Today we went to Junior Town (the local expensive carry all of baby gear and clothing) and she got Ali the most adorable pretty dress for our Hawaii trip in November and a double stroller. We can’t even begin to show our appreciation.  I’m way excited about the stroller. I think I may be even more excited to get rid of the two other ones I have though more. Our apartment is so small that they strollers need their own room.

Ok...it’s finally time I call it a night. Layne has been sweet enough to not wake up since we came home (a miracle!), and I need to get ready for bed.  

I am sorry I haven’t been able to write more. In lieu of writing I will post pictures instead!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Just hangin around



This was this afternoon - cute huh?

FINALLY! I get a small break!

I apologize for the lack of posts.  That’s what you get when you become a new mommy. Plus there’s that whole two children under two thing going on. Let’s just say I could use a long nap! Joe could too!!

Here’s the summary of events: We picked up Layne on Thursday, we’ve have one visitation (was supposed to be a doctor’s appt, but there was a miscommunication as to when it was really scheduled, so we just hung out in the lobby and let Zack and Ashley hold him and feed him for about an hour), and the case worker who has been working with all of us went on vacation on Friday.  So we really haven’t been able to get anything done.  

I’m hesitant to really vent my true and full feelings on here because I don’t want to put myself in a position where I could harm my legal chances of protecting my family or Layne because I discussed how I felt about the whole thing.

It sucks. It sucks to be them. It sucks to be us.  We all love Layne, but he’s not my child, and hopefully will not be my child. When this happens to you run the gamut of feelings from wanting to adopt him right then and there for his protection to just wanting to get this whole process over with and hand him back.  It’s exhausting and overwhelming and it’s taken over our lives.

Joe and I keep saying we’re going to stop talking about it, but every day one of us feels something new and different that has to be discussed on top of dealing with either Zac, Ashley or a social worker.  I attempted to disengage from it tonight by going to the bookstore, but Layne had to come with me and all I could do was look at books pertaining to foster care and of course, some trashy star studded gossip mag.  Then I proceeded to cry in the middle of the cafĂ© while I had a discussion with Daddy that was probably not meant for Barnes and Noble. I noticed a few looks from people. Oh well, I don’t actually give a hoot what people think. If they understood who the baby was I was holding they might feel differently. But everyone thinks he’s mine.

Which, by the way, gets me some amazing comments. Some are sweet, some are kind, and some are downright gross. I had a guy (who I believe may have been drunk or crazy) at the pharmacy tell me the following:  Whoa Lady! You had them kids WAY too close together. That’s crazy. Maybe when you get home you should be a lock on your guys weiner (he may have used another colorful description for Penis, but at that point I was trying to not listen and I don’t recall what he said exactly).  I didn’t have the heart (or the stomach to smell him) to argue the fact.

As far as Layne’s progress – He’s now exclusively breastfed and getting happier by the day. He’s relaxing and it’s obvious. He was so frantic the first day, as were we, and I can’t imagine how churned up his insides must have been.  I feel so bad for him.  He smiles when he sleeps and likes to lay on his side (after he’s eaten a lot) and makes cute noises and just look around.  Otherwise he’s attached to use 24/7.

I’m going to officially start my self-preservation by going to the gym tomorrow.  I need some me time and I might as well start sooner than later. Otherwise you never know just how ugly it could get.  

Speaking of, sleep is calling to me!  It’s 11:30 pm. Everyone is already in bed, which is why I’m writing. It’s the only time I’ve got to sit down and collect my thoughts.  Sigh...it will only get easier. I just have to remind myself that they sleep more as they get older.  (

Thank you to everyone who has emailed, called or given us baby anything. It is SO appreciated.  We feel so blessed to have friends and family who are so giving and supportive.  We love you all.  

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

We got Layne!!

We got Layne!!

Tomorrow we will be going to pick him up. This is not happy day for anyone, but I think relieving that he’s at least going to be with family.  Thanks again for all of the warm thoughts.

Thanks

Thanks for the phone calls and emails.  We appreciate it. We still aren’t sure what’s going to happen. We attended a hearing yesterday where they only talked about the charges against them and their rights. The social worker was going to put all of the interested custodial parties into the system for background checks this morning.

The interested parties thus far are us, her parents, my parents and her grandparents. At least that’s all I know about.  We’ll see what happens.  

At the moment I’m attempting to clean my house like a madwoman. Our laundry is backed up and I haven’t vacuumed since I stayed with my mom, so there’s a lot of clutter. Oh wait!  The clutter was already there!  Bummer!  

Monday, September 12, 2005

Family Drama Chapter 2

It’s Monday night and tomorrow our lives may change (already have technically) drastically.  We are going to a hearing in Palmer to possibly gain custody of Layne, my brother’s month old son.  

On Sunday the state took away custody when Ashley tested positive for meth. It’s a very sad day for everyone.  Zac has also tested positive and will probably not remain in Layne’s life (at least for the time being). Ashley seems to be ready and willing to rehabilitate to get Layne back.  This has all happened very quickly and we’re still trying to unwind from the initial freakout.

I don’t want to get into details online but I also don’t want anyone to worry. So I’m going to leave the info basic. I apologize if you feel like I’ve left you hanging.  We’re just very stressed and I don’t want to upset any court proceedings or divulge too much private information about Zac or Ashley.  

Your thoughts, prayers and happy mojo are always welcomed and appreciated!  I will keep you updated.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

WHOA!!! Everybody breath!!

WHOA!! Hold on!  I know it sounds bad, but it isn’t so bad that ya’ll gotta go freakin out on me.  Geez!!!  I was just having a moment. We’ve all had those.  Those moments where you’re already in a bad mood and the last thing you need is a one year old attached to your back screaming to have you pay attention to her/him/it.  And not just any scream, but the constant rhythmic screaming that only a baby can commit to. And not just anywhere, but right behind the right side of your head, just close enough to hurt but far enough away that you can’t grab the mouth that’s violating your “ear” space.  

So let’s start over and clarify. I was attempting to vent without divulging to the world the drama that our family is enjoying right now.  Here is some detail. My brother, not my husband, has a lot of problems.  He has always had problems and has gotten away with a lot of them.  My parents tried their best, but he was always better and knew how to get around them.  They’ve finally decided enough is enough and that whether he acknowledges it or not, he has a drug problem. This means changing their (everyone’s) relationship with him.  And nothing like this ever comes easy or slowly.  You just have to do it.

Anyone that knows my family knows that we ALL wear our hearts on our sleeve. Especially my mom. My dad likes to act like he doesn’t but it’s just as bare and in view if you look hard enough.  Anyway, because of this, we tend to show our feelings more than others may understand and also pull together a little closer than some families might in times of stress because it’s easier, it feels good and it only helps the family to feel like we’re helping each other.

My dad had to leave this week for work and my mom had the sole responsibility of confronting her son and pushing him away to get help.  I cannot comprehend how difficult it is and I pray that I will never have to feel that kind of pain.  So Ali and I are staying with my mom for the week.  Making sure that she knows that she didn’t make the wrong decision and that all of us would do it for her if we could.  

As karma would have it, my dad’s trip is getting shortened by two weeks, so he’ll be home just after the official “kicking out” happens with Zac.  Which only solidifies in my heart that mom had to be the one to confront Zac.  

For all of you who are curious about Methamphetamines:
Signs of methamphetamine use:

  1. Drug paraphernalia such as short straws, tubes, razor blades, mirrors, syringes or smoking devices

  2. Items containing white, beige, pink or brown powder or crystalline substances

  3. Someone going for long periods without sleep

  4. Lack of personal hygiene, including rotting teeth, skin rash or sores, or a strong chemical body odor

  5. Excessive and undirected energy

  6. Changes in mood and loss of interest in hobbies, friends or activities

  7. Hallucination and paranoia

  8. Uncontrolled emotional outbursts, possibly accompanied by violence or aggression
Nearly all of these signs Zac portrays on a regular basis. We’ve referred to him as of late as “skeletor”. He doesn’t eat, he is constantly exhausted, looks and smells like he hasn’t bathed in months, and has recently shown us his emotional instability.  

It’s going to be and it has been a long road. For Zac especially.  I hope he can see himself someday and make the changes he needs.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Family Crisis

Family emergencies are no fun. No one is happy. No one is jumping for joy that something or someone has just killed all the fun. Especially if it's a someone. what do you do with that someone? I know what I'd LIKE to do! Yell, scream....beat to a big mushy crying heap. yeah, that's sad and mean. I know. but I say it all with love - REALLY! What would you want to do to someone that made your mommy cry? See, I told you so.

I've buried all sorts of ugly anger towards him and walked away so that I don't get in the middle of what my parents have worked so hard on. I think maybe I've bottled so much of it up that I wonder what I really feel anymore. I know that somewhere in here I love him, but he's family, I'm supposed to love him. The other parts of me don't even think about him anymore. The only reason I help him is to help others. His new child, my parents, maybe his friends, and in the end I hope it helps him, but I never think it's really going to stick.

I told my boss last week, excitedly, that I thought he was growing up. I started to feel like maybe we would have a relationship. that was a shortlived excitement. that was a shortlived dream. Now I can only hope that sometime in the future he will be clean and happy. Whether I have a relationship with him or not.

It makes all holidays sad. All vacations sad. All family involved anything sad. And he can't see any of that. He has no understanding how much he affects other people. and behind his warped glasses, we're all against him, so there's no way to win. It sucks.

ali thinks it sucks too, which is why she's screaming mad at me right now.....sigh. time for a nap.