I Love Girls!

Yes, that's right. I love girls. More specifically I love Kate! If I could be married to a man and to a woman I would be married to Kate. Talk about women with power (insert evil laugh).

No, I'm not coming out of the closet, I'm talking about being good enough friends to pee on the phone and talk about things you don't even talk to your doctor about because they make you blush.

I just spent three days with Kate doing just that. Talking about disgusting things, funny things, serious things, and shopping (naturally). And I'm so sad that she had to leave. I find myself so lacking in that kind of conversation on a regular basis, and having kids limits the time I spend visiting other people (especially when they live 400 miles away!).

Today I continued my high by taking a really great yoga class and laying in the sauna at the gym. Now I'm counter-acting the high by eating McDonalds and halloween candy. Yum.

Hope everyone has a great and girlie halloween!

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I escaped to the grocery store last night after hubby got home from work. As I pulled up to the stop light my car started the familiar rhythmic shaking that occurs when some inconsiderate ass decides to crank his sweet tunes. Only this time I can honestly say I've never been shaken this much.

I don't want this gentleman to see that I notice his display, so I continue to sing along with my Natalie Imbruglia song

I'm all out of faith
this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor

I am rockin' out! YEAH!

But of course, as we turn together I just HAVE to catch a glimpse of this model male specimen. I see a white, heavy-set, non descript guy literally hanging out of his Chevy extended cab truck window like it's 80 degrees outside and he's cruisin' the strip. Nevermind that it's a Thursday night and no one's on the strip because it's 30 degrees out and the first snow of the year!

I immediately go into a fit of giggles and continue on to the store. However all of the way to the store I have ample opportunity to fulfill my little fantasy of confronting this Hercules of the Arctic. So here's what I WISH I had done:

I pulled up alongside him at the next light and proceeded to give him the "look". The "I think you're so hot" look. What he sees is a girl with no makeup, hair in need of a cut in a messy ponytail, and two car seats all in a very stylish Honda CRV. (oh yeah, and a wedding ring) Intrigued, he turns down his speakers to have a chat. So I say, "I've been looking for a man just like you! Someone whose calvin-pissing sticker, loud truck and complete disregard for people screams: I HAVE A SMALL PENIS! NOTICE ME!"

sigh...but I'm a chicken. So I just made myself feel cooler by turning on Tool instead of Imbruglia. I may be a Mommy but I'm a bad ass Mommy!

Quilting Queen I'm Not

I got antsy this week to quilt. My drive to sew diapers has gone on hiatus since Junior outgrew his two sizes so fast. I spent hours upon hours making him all these great, adorable, useful dipes only to have him wear each size for one week. That's it. One week. That's almost 30 diapers and covers. (don't worry, they've moved onto a new home!)

So I found a pretty quilt pattern with all of the info that I hate figuring out. It told me exactly what to buy at the store, how to cut it and how to put it together. Except I can't seem to read directions.



Looks pretty simple. Maybe even easy enough for a Queen to do it, right?
It says to make it in rows then attach the rows together. So I made this row:


And apparently the instructions point out that you're supposed to make Vertical rows. So I rip out the first block and make my vertical row. Then realize that I've turned 3 of the blocks 90 degrees in the wrong direction. So I rip those out. THEN, I sew the second vertical row and begin attaching it to my first row. Only to find out halfway down that I've added the wrong pieces. And it's like 2 feet longer than the first row and it's not matching up!

I ROCK!

I QUIT!

Beyond the Chart

That's right folks. I have given birth to a mammoth baby. Today our doctor weighed him and he has literally grown beyond the 100th percentile for babies. Granted this charting system is incredibly outdated and based on formula fed babies, but it's still the same chart that everyone uses and I don't remember Booger ever exploding in size the way Junior has.

I've also officially upgraded away from the portable carseat with base because I'm not the hulk - I can't haul around 16+ Lbs around and keep a grip on a 2 year old (very determined) girl. And apparently I'm not a complete dumbass when it comes to installing carseats. I went back to the store where I purchased the seat and had them check it out. Not was it supposed to be in the middle of the car, but they were pleasantly surprised at how tight I had it strapped down. They must not know what they're talking about becuase it was NOT tight enough! I've got to relax huh?

Babies Are Funny

So many funny things about baby. If they weren't adorable, cuddly and funny we'd never have them. Especially when they morph into a toddler. It's like having a mosquito in your ear. At least mine is.

My favorite funny baby accessory is the Pee Pee Tee Pee. How great is this? So far every person (I think) that's changed him has gotten sprayed. My favorite was when my doctor got sprayed in the face. I've been very fortunate though to not have him explode poop all over me.

Booger's best changing table move was the "firehose" from her bum. As you lifted her legs to wipe her bottom she would spray poo three feet away from her body. The table, nearest wall, and your arm would be covered in it. Instinctively you try to plug the hole, only to find that he pressure is too great and you've covered everything above her bottom including both of your faces. Fun times.

Booger is also showing her authority in the house by trying to copy mine of course. You all read about my lack of patience (maturity) recently, and my daughter was apparently listening. Yesterday I was scolding her for something small and insignificant (which is why she wasn't in trouble for her response) when she decided she was going to declare how she really felt. She stood in the doorway of my bedroom, put her hands at her sides and said, "Mommy! Mommy, I. don't. care."

I said, "What?"

"Mommy, I don't care!", this time with less authority and a little more lighthearted sass.

She immediately realized she'd stumbled onto something that I found entertaining and proceeded to turn it into a defiant song. So I called Hubby at work to have him listen. It was hilarious.

The sad part is that she learned it from her own mother. When she starts telling me things over and over and over and over and over I eventually respond with a very snobby and immature, "I don't care". It never works.

Duh!

Retarded Queen of the Car Seats

I am the Queen of car seat installation. I've installed my daughter's seat a million times in multiple cars. I've got her in the most expensive, safest seat on the market and it's always been very easy to install.

So I went and bought my son the newest of the best - even a step above what my daughter has, and I've never said more cuss words installing a seat than I said today. I'm sure if he could sit forward facing like his sister I wouldn't have a problem, but my car is not cooperating. The angle of the belts, the friction preventing the tightening of the belts and the tiny back seat are sucking the life out of me.

It has all these fancy wonderful locks on it that keep the seat belt in place. Which is wonderful if you can get the seat belt tight enough to clip it in the first place. (insert explicative here) Then the car automatic seat belt locks click in and I have to undo the belt and start over because it's tightened to much for me to work with it. (insert another explicative) Rethread through the seat, try again. Nope. (ramping up the language now) Get towel, roll up, place at base of seat. Try again. (children and adults really shouldn't be present for this audio show) Get in car, sit on seat, attempt to tighten belt from latch. (No polite person says what I just said)

Finally move the seat to the middle of the car, but have to remove other seat to make room. Install not to your highest of standards, then reinstall other seat up against first seat so that they are bracing each other. (nails on a chalkboard sound better than my mouth right now, and sailors would be scared)

Now Booger has complete access to her 2 month old toy in the seat directly abutting hers. YAY!

Tipping the Scales

And I'm not talking about my fat ass! Hubby and I balance each other out so well it's freaky. The other day everything drove him crazy, especially the kids. And I was little miss cool. Today I've found myself spanking booger. Only one little pat on the bottom (cloth diapered mind you) and for nothing major. I just wanted her to STOP!

Stop talking. Stop pushing. Stop climbing. Stop stop stop.

Some people (including hubby) would not approve of me talking about this online because they think it might give cause to someone to turn me in for child abuse. I'm going against their better judgement because I think it's more important to show that it's normal.

My daughter never stops talking. Unless she's asleep. And even then, she talks in her sleep. So in order to stay sane I start ignoring her. I hate ignoring her. I try so hard to stay engaged with my children. But after she's repeated herself 10 times and I can't seem to be creative enough to get her to talk about something else I get really really irritated and find myself being snotty hoping that she'll pick up on my subtle "can't you tell I don't care" voice.

It doesn't work. But you probably knew that and are laughing at me trying to be sarcastic with a toddler. It just makes me want to cry.

Why would I want to treat her with such disrespect - even if she doesn't get it? AAAHGGGHHHH! She's just doing what she does.

I think it's time to refocus. When she gets in the way of me being productive I get bitchy. So no more productivity today unless she's totally distracted. yay for me.

sigh...time to have a good cry and start today over (even though it's afternoon).

New Toys

Yesterday was magical. Beautiful. 50% of what I could have imagined!

Just envision a cold windy city and a lone mother rushing to fulfill her own needs for new running shoes. She cooks dinner quickly, sprints out the door to get to the shoe store before they close. When she walks in she is sad to see so many people shopping so close to closing because she is a retard when it comes to running. Then she sees the 8 foot piles of shoes that those people are surrounding. Then her eye catches a sign and it says "50% Off (unless marked otherwise)".

When it occurs to her that she doesn't see any "otherwise" markings and that there are many many signs dotting the store walls and shelves and piles and piles of shoes she starts to shake with excitement and appropriately begins to tear through boxes of size 9.5 shoes. Not even caring if they are something she might think about buying at full price.

This lone mother scored. I was restrained however and stopped at only 2 pairs of running shoes, however I'm aching to go back and find some sandals. Sigh...if only it were summer.

Happy Holidays

For those who aren't Alaskan or live under a glacier, yesterday was the first direct deposit for the Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend. That's right folks, we get paid to live here! It's fabulous, fantastic, and is probably one of the greatest reasons to never move.

I consider yesterday a holiday. Just like Christmas, we wait in anticipation of the glorious gifts we receive and give. Like groceries, bills, and new winter coats. (can you tell where mine went?) So Merry PFD Day!

What I didn't get and wished I had was a sense of renewal. A recharging of spirit and freedom to shop. After being broke for so long I expected to feel relief and instead I was all freaked out to be spending money that looked so pretty in the bank account. Don't get me wrong, paying bills felt great! No more nasty notices, but spending almost $300 at Costco and over $300 at REI was not as enjoyable as I had hoped.

I'm a total whiner. I'm realizing as I write this that I am a spoiled whiny brat. You were probably all thinking that already. Great. I'm complaining that the State of Alaska just gave me 1106.96 times 3 to use as WE please. I'm pathetic.

At least that put me in a less grumpy state. Because besides that I have a really fun thing to deal with: BV. It's a TMI, so I won't expand. Just know that life is lacking in the fun department with you put sleep deprivation on top of that and you've eaten your favorite food and it's caused your child to fart for two days and projectile vomit.

I'm a big ball of sunshine this morning. Bask in my rays.

My Little Star

My boy has a famous rump!

Ramblings...

Not much of incredible interest has occurred lately, but I must keep my adoring fans updated now and again. I know how you all worship me.

Hubby returned to work full time yesterday. He still has a ton of leave left though so he's planning on taking some more time off over the next six months, which will be nice for so many reasons.

Reason #1 - I will have an in house Booger-sitter.
Reason #2 - I can go shopping by myself.
Reason #3 - I can go ANYWHERE by myself.
Reason #4 - I kind of like the guy.
Reason #5 - Midweek trips to Anchor Point will become a more frequent occurence.

Since O&O and his troop survived the trek to Anchorage there has been much planning and talk of future visits. Both to Anchor Point and to Anchorage. They're scheming - about what I can't share yet...but sometime in the future I hope to be selling their brilliant and talented scheme! (insert evil laugh here) It's also really nice to know a normal family that we click with and who has kids that Booger can get crazy with. Cause she definetely is crazy!

Right now Junior and Booger are asleep which means I'm not doing what they all tell me to do. Nap when they nap. Oops. I'm just so excited to pay bills and get some much needed family necessities with the Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend. I may even do a little Christmas shopping...heh heh. Or me shopping (sshhhhh). Really just paying bills will make me so so happy.

We have a star in the family! I made Junior a diaper out of a tshirt of a local radio talk show host. So I put Junior in the diaper (before he outgrew it - which would have been 5 minutes later) and took a picture. Hubby emailed the picture to the host directly, who not only talked about it on his radio show, but said he's going to post the picture on his website. When it finally gets posted I will put a link up.

AND when I say that Junior is big, I really really mean it! He's more than doubled his weight in the first 6 weeks of life. He's a tank. It's incredible. I keep having people ask me if he's about 4 months old. LOL! He can't even hold his head up yet (just cause it's so darn FAT!).