Crazy AND pregnant!

How often do you see those two things together? I know! Not very often! When I think "pregnant" I imagine a completely sane human being, devoid of all insanity, bitchiness, sobbing, and able to eat only what her body needs to sustain her and her growing fetus. However I realize that I am a dreamer, and I need to ground myself in reality.

I need to realize that I cannot eat that entire bag of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, no matter how loudly they are calling to me. Especially since my mouth is sore from the first half of the bag. I also need to remember to drink my water because if I don't I may end up with multiple issues, including the consequences of eating a bag of chips. Those issues could involve swelling of the insterstitial tissue in my lower extremities (major big ass swelling in my feet) and angering (This is TMI folks, so please skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to hear about my butt) the friendly hemorrhoid that lives in my colon. He doesn't like to be "pressured", so I have to keep up the fluids.

Then there is the occasional disruption in marital affairs. He says something and I either react with anger or sobbing tears. If I react with silence, then the anger and tears are bound to merge and grow exponentially over time.

And how I've managed to keep up even a little bit, with a 2 year old is beyond me. She's is SO FREAKING BUSY!

I desperately need to go to sleep so that I can be woken up to pee 12 times tonight. Goodnight!

One more week till hell ends

Did you know that? That there is an end to a place and time we call Hell? I sweetly refer to it as UAA. That place where they make me sit in a hard chair, while my feet swell, and my hand aches and my head feels like it's on the edge of exploding. Only one more week. Although I do think that this may be my climax in hell. Trying to finish a statistics project that just isn't working out that way that I thought. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, and it's too overwhelming to think about asking for help! I'm afraid of what can of worms that might open up as far as how much I DON'T really understand! Ha ha!

In other news, I think the sickness is finally escaping the Michael home. Thank god! It was making me grumpy. and I think nothing is probably worse than a grumpy wife/mother. No fun for anyone.

So here I sit at the Title Wave Kaladi Brothers (if you don't know those, then you're obviously not a hip and trendy Alaskan) doing homework and realizing how much I miss my daughter. How in the world can I ever love something as much as her? I can't grasp the thought that in a few months I'm going to have ANOTHER ONE! Makes me think that Parent's heart's everywhere should be exploding. Just walking down the street and then POW!, there goes another one.

It's actually brought out the worst in my fear and anxiety. It's taken a lot of work to keep it under control. And there are moments where I'm not in control. Where my mind takes me to the places where my most awful fears lay. Where I have no power, no control and that heart-exploding person is hurt or gone.

It really starts with a small thought of just how to watch out for dangers and make sure I'm doing WHAT I CAN to protect myself and my family and then my imaginzation takes over and eventually I end up in this horror-like dreamland of dangers that are out of my control. So I have been teaching myself how to stop my mind from going there. It takes so much energy. And practice. Practice makes perfect though, right?

Sicker still

The day did not progress well. Booger is thankfully less boogerless, although that abservation may be because I'm not with her right now, so technically I am less booger-ed. Thank god!

However my honey has not faired so well. He ignored my rants and raves to go to his second job tonight, so I compromised and dropped him off. He called me 10 minutes later to have me come pick him up. I don't think he realized just how badly he felt and how bad he looked. Everyone commented how he looked horrible. I don't actually think I've seen someone with that many bags under their eyes. They went down to his chin!

So I've escaped the sick household and am attempting to do homework at Barnes and Noble. I ordered something to eat and a drink and sat down, then realized I had not power outlet next to me or available anywhere in the cafe. Damn! So I thought, oh well, I'll just be careful with what I do to conserve power to the battery and move when i get a chance. In the meantime I'll pull out my PENCIL and do statistics. The pencil I was lucky to find in my ill prepared bag has about a half in piece of lead in it and that's it. No problem, I'll just do my statistics in excel. Oops...I don't have my statics binder with my project instructions in it.

So here I sit writing...wishing I could do my statistics...wishing I hadn't just spent 3.95 to get online when I should be going home to get online and get a real pencil.

The lesson here is wash your hands, use lysol liberally, and quit trying to do your homework the "cool" way and remember a damn pencil!

Sick Sick Sick

I'm tired of sick. I'm tired of my sick. and I'm tired of everyone else's sick. It sucks! I wish sick would just die.

I'm sitting on the couch making sure that booger is entertained while my sweetie lies in bed shivering, trying not to barf. And I'm about to leave for at least a half an hour for a midwife appointment. I'm hoping that Dora will entertain long enough for Joe to not have to get up - because he says that if he gets up he'll probably barf. yay. yay for him. yay for me. yay. yay. Freaking YAY!

Dysfunction

Dysfunction is to Family what Complication is to Relationship. That’s the analogy that comes to mind when I think about this past weekend and my trip to Kansas to say goodbye to my grandmother. I didn’t really come here with the intention of saying much of anything to her or myself about her. I really just wanted to see my family and be together. I ended up doing more saying goodbye I think.

My maternal family has a rough history. A history that I have only been told glimpse’s of, and rightfully so. I don’t know that I could have handled more truth previous to the passing of my grandparents. Before leaving for Kansas I was told a truth that I hadn’t known or realized and it gave my resentment and anger fuel to keep me at a distance from the memory of my grandmother.

Many people have fond memories of their grandparents and I have somewhat strange, but fond memories. But they have been clouded for many many years by the anger at the dysfunction they maintained. It wasn’t until my amazing aunt bravely worded the Eulogy at her memorial to embody a woman who was cursed with a lack of self worth. It didn’t take away the blame but it lifted the shadow from the malicious grandma I had come to remember.

I began to remember her sweetness, her gentle manner, and the love she had for me. When you’re a kid you don’t realize when someone does or doesn’t love someone else – you are the universe and everyone else revolves around you. I was transported on Saturday to that child. To that place where I remember playing in the corn field, playing in the hot tub, and taking sips of her diet Pepsi every morning on the way to school. I can still taste her lipstick on the glass.

Now that she’s gone hearing history that would have made me upset before did not give me cause to be angry. There was no one alive to direct the anger at. It’s silly to think that I had to direct that anger towards a person, but I couldn’t redirect it somewhere else. Now it just leaves. The stories still shock me and give me a greater sympathy and admiration for my Mother and her siblings, but I do not feel the intense confusing protectiveness that I felt before. “What did you say about my Mama?”

What’s amazing is that this huge relief is felt a hundred-fold by my mother and her siblings. My Aunt no longer has to be the physical caretaker for my grandmother (grandpa died last year). The entire family can now breathe and know that her guilt and manipulation cannot reach out and twist their free will. It’s beautiful. My Mom is so free – she bought skirts this weekend! Trust me, that’s feeling freedom. That’s feeling beautiful.

draining boogers

I hate being sick. Specifically I hate the cracking sore lips, the sinus headache and the tired tired tired body. But what I really truly despise is the oozing grossness that never seems to stop plugging my breathing tubes making my head hurt and my throat feel disgusting. I hate the constant pressure that only seems to be relieved when I stand up, roll over, sit down, or jump up and down a thousand times. Then I just have it dripping down my face, dangerously close to my lips. Yummy.

More than head colds though, I hate the stomach flu. On Saturday I found myself in Target, wanting to want to be there, but feeling like I should be in a wheelchair rather than standing on swollen feet. After a half hour of shopping with 2 year old I realized that I needed to sit and probably go back to the house. When we got home I camped out on the couch and completely zoned out, trying not to puke for the next few hours. It wasn't until I got up to get the phone and call Joe that the REAL fun started.

Ring

Ring

"Hello?"

"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"I've got to go throw up now?"

"WHAT? Are you okay? What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm hanging up to barf."

"Honey! Are you going to be..."

Click

Hurl

Hurl some more

Hurl some more

oops...better do something even more disgusting but from a different angle...

Brush teeth.

Ring

"Amber?"

"Sorry. I just had to throw up. I feel much better now."


Thanks to the barfing it only took another 18 hours before I started to feel human again. My husband was the first one to get it, then me, then my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, mother and then aunt. I'm watching the clock and Booger to make sure she doesn't puke all over me or anything important. She hasn't shown signs of puking yet, but we're all a little under the weather still.

God, I hate being sick. (Do you think he hears me?)

Yes...she IS perfect! 

Happy Easter O'Ma 

Playing with the coolest 1st cousin-once-removed ever! 

Blowing our first dandelion fluff 

Aunt Kath-kath on the couch with booger reading Dora 

The technician called this our "choir boy" photo. 

If you can't see that...then I can't help you. 

Look at that nose! Cute as a button! 

His little arm 

What the hell do I do with a boy?

That's exactly why my husband said to me when we saw the "goods" for the first time. The technician didn't even have to tell us due to the way his feet were by his face - he was strutting his stuff.

What's funny is how floored we are. How can we be surprised? We had a 50/50 chance. But we just didn't prepare ourselves. So now we're both speechless (maybe I'm speaking for hubby when I shouldn't be, but still I lost my brain today (no jokes please, it's been a big day!).

So what do I do with a boy? Baseball? We don't do baseball. Oh god! I just realized - hubby's going to put him in hockey. Oh lord. He won't have any of his teeth left by the time he graduates high school. All I can imagine is the pre-pubescent fighting on the ice that I witnessed last night at the Aces game. I need a drink. (I've started an "I need a drink tab" to be filled post-prenancy. That's #2 today.)

So now I have to find new fabric for the baby diapers, start eliminating ali's old clothes via any methods possible, and purchasing new baby clothes. Oh boy Oh boy. Literally.

Aching Forehead

I hate packing. I hate thinking about packing. I hate having to count how many days to how many pairs of underwear. And even worse I hate the entire plane part. Especially now that I'll be five months pregnant and have a 2 year old on my lap. My feet are going to be gigantic when I get to Salt Lake City.

Ever seen the feet of a Cabbage Patch doll? That will be me, only my flesh won't bounce back as quickly as a cabbage patch doll's does. I can create entire scenes of molded flesh on my foot when things get really bad.

Now my head is throbbing and I'm only halfway through my day. And since I've already done more than a person does in a day, I should expect my head to feel like it's going to splat on the screen. I should also expect my daughter to not want to take a nap yet either.

I'm going to put her to bed anyway and cross my fingers she's tired enough to sleep too.

Diaper Frenzy

So I made Booger (aka ali) a couple of diapers and really enjoyed doing it. They are cute and functional and I made them all by my itty bitty self. But I decided to try my hand at a newborn one today. OH MY GOD! So freakin CUTE! I never thought little diapers were cute. But this is the darned most cheek-pinchin', goose-givin', dog-eyed diaper I've ever seen.



SEE? Pathetically cute. Ok...maybe you don't see. Maybe you're a "normal" and just don't understand the twisted world I live in. But you could try. Empathy is hot these days.

Myspace...an addiction or crusade against evil?

I'm not sure what to think of myspace. I think when I signed on initially I was addicted to finding people. Addicted to spying on those people that maybe I wasn't friends with anymore. Yes, I found some. Yes, I have their pages bookmarked and I keep tabs on them. Don't judge me. Some of these people have done very very bad things and their still doing them, so THERE! I'm doing a duty.

(some people I just have a morbid curiosity about...I can't support that spying claim)

I guess when I first signed up I thought that it would be a great connection to people I hadn't seen in a long time and that I'd be on all of the time writing to them...but now I realize that I didn't really want to talk to those people anyway! So I looked them up, got excited that I'd found them, then realized I didn't really ever enjoy talking to them then so why start now.

I guess this is just an extension of my once short-lived idea to become a cop.

I didn't spend a ton of time of this...but I thought I would try a new tinting technique. Ali had these taken on Tuesday. Cute huh? 

Assimilation Complete

You've all read about my new found obsession with cloth diapers. And some of you may know that I've begun to obsess about making my own. Well, the conversion is official! I have finished my first diaper and I am hooked. It's adorable.

Technically it's my second attempt, but the first one was a complete and total disaster. I'll save you from the exciting details of sewing terry cloth, even though I know you'll be disappointed.

I'm so incredibly impatient that I realized if I really wanted this to work I just needed to pay attention to every detail and step. I am so happy I did. This is how it turned out!

The front of the diaper.

Here's the inside - notice the thick pee-soaker in the middle? That's true craftsmanship!

I'm going to sew a newborn one next. Which reminds me...only 7 more days until we find out the sex!

Motif Monday

So Mrtl has inspired a discussion that I think is supposed to be fun, but as you'll see I'm fairly unimaginative.

What would you do if you had $1 Million today?

1. Figure out how much the government is going to steal from me then pay them or set it aside for tax season. (I know...that's so romantic!) 400,000.00

2. Pay all debt. 70,000.00 (I'm overestimating - really!)

3. Buy a house - a big ASS house! 400,000.00

4. Put the rest into savings since I have spent I obviously am crappy at playing this game? 130,000.00

Sunday Afternoon Nap 

OMG! I made that?