1 a.m. thoughts....(by Jack Handy) ha ha

I think the girl didn't hear me when I said "decaf mocha". Cause my brain just WON'T shut off! So I'm going to attempt to turn it off now.

By the way...any of you that read this regularly (Mom!), then please let me know if my lack of grammatical correctness irritates you. I write what I'm thinking and am way too lazy to go back and fix minor errors. I try to run spell check every once in awhile, but I figure if you can't get the gist, then oh well. It wasn't worth writing about anyway. Please email me if it's just that annoying!

So I've been reading Brook Shield's book "Down Came The Rain", and really enjoying it. It's horribly sad, but I can't imagine it won't help more women (if they'll pick it up and read it). Coming from someone who is seen as so "perfect" it really brings to light that ANYONE can be affected by postpartum depression and that it's not something to be ashamed about.

What pisses me off more than anything is that there is such a lack of awareness in the medical realm. If the doctors had probed her for very specific feelings early on I believe it would have been detected much sooner and many women who committ horrific crimes to their children would be helped. A standard set of questions (since most doctors don't really take the time to get to know their patients that well anyway) that would hone in on what the new mother was really feeling moment to moment. I mean, I've been asked standard questions in other situations that include being asked if I was suicidal. Why is that not asked?

When I was having my postpartum checkups I realized that I was being watched for signs, but I was going to a midwife and a naturopathic doctor on a very regular basis. I was being treated for general hormonal shifts anyway, so through that treatment (diet and supplements) I pulled out of the "baby blues", which I did not really understand I was going through until now. I was asked questions by these women that other doctors did not ask. So I wonder who these doctors are that aren't concerned. It's frustrating to me.

Postpartum depression for me was a slow recovery. Until recently I just felt like I had felt before I was pregnant, but in hindsight I see that there were emotions, attitudes and stresses there that I have never felt before and that were very very specific. Imagining sad sad things happening to family members and not being able to get out of the thought pattern, even though it would bring me to tears and I would hold onto Alison tighter. She was my reality.

Brook Shields talks about how the doctors and her family pressured her to stop breastfeeding to help ease her stress, but to her it was the only thing to held her to her baby. She felt nothing towards her child, therefore, she had to keep a physical link there to reassure her that she really was her mother and that there would be some sort of hope. I too, felt for a long time that I HAD to breastfeed. Not because I didn't feel something for my child, but because it was the only thing that I could do that no one else could. It made sure that I always had an excuse to keep her near me to protect her. I never didn't trust anyone else, I just had a general distrust of the world in general. I'm much more comfortable now, and I realize that it's mostly due to my mental and emotional state.

I mean, I didn't sleep for two or three days (she was crying for those three days) after she was born because if I was asleep that meant that I couldn't fix the problem. It didn't matter that when I was awake I couldn't fix it, I just felt that I had to be the one responsible and because I was breastfeeding, in my head, that was my ticket to being her sole need. She was also very clingy, so it wasn't too hard to use that ticket. I didn't have to most of the time.

Okay....sigh....I suppose it's my bedtime now. I'm done ranting today. Maybe more tomorrow. Oops...this afternoon I mean!

George kills brain cells!

I'm SO brain dead this week. I've been trying very hard to stay on track and to achieve some basic goals. I think I've been pretty successfully considering. However no man (and some women even) can understand just how many brain cells "george" takes away from a woman's common sense, or what was once a lovely attitude. I have felt like absolute poop all week. I am normally a fairly spunky individual, but I've been completely content as a big lump on the couch. Which, by the way is KILLING my back!

I'm battling it though. I've been exercising, drinking my water and taking my supplements (at least once a day). I haven't really refrained from sugar, but I've stayed away from caffeine for the past couple of days. And let me tell you, the coffee pot is screaming at me right now that I NEED to have a cup. But mmm mmm...these carrots...munch munch...are just so much better! :)

I don't know if I've written about my newest endeavor. I'm known for being a bit impetuous in my career path decisions. Let's see, I have a degree in Music Performance but that's not going to get me anything but debt. I DID meet my husband because of my degree, but I think that might be about all I got out of that chunk of bills. Since high school I've entertained the idea of becoming: A musician, a teacher, a fishing guide (boat captain more importantly!), a desktop publisher, a graphic arts designer, and interior designer, a cop (Yeah, shut it. I know!), a CPA or basic accountant, a photographer (which still has it's merits), and now I want to be a nurse.

It's hard for my family and friends to see real hope in any of my aspirations. Especially when they change so rapidly. So when I tell people that I plan on going back to school for something so BIG I don't think people really believe it. Hell, I have problems believing it. I spend every day making sure that I'm not faking myself out. That I'm not latching onto some romantic idea of what I want to be when I grow up.

This want started with meeting my current doctor. She's a naturopathic physician. The most important thing I see about natural medicine, is not the "natural" aspect, but the attention to ALL areas of your life to problem solve how to best serve your body's needs. I find it captivating. I've spent hours just talking with my doctor. How many people can say that? How many people can say that their doctor understands them, respects them, and is there to genuinely support them? Not many. I had also been obsessed with childbirth since going through labor myself. I came to the very basic conclusion that I wanted to empower women.

So I let thought sink in for awhile and thought about what that meant. Did I really want to devote my life to the field of medicine? Did I want to become a writer or inspiration speaker? What did that mean? Every time it ended up coming back to the body. To a woman's entire well being, which to me, starts with the physiological parts of her body. I don't believe you can psychologically heal (possible, but much much more difficult) a woman without first looking at her physical being. Both are so intertwined that one cannot survive without the other.

Living in Alaska limits my options for training. I can go to UAA or I can not. There is no in between, and since UAA has such a phenomenal Nursing program I might as well start there. That at least gives me the best, most qualified path available to me and will give me the tools to do what I am meant to be doing for women...which I have no clue yet as to what that is.

So for you skeptics out there, hold your breath. Keep holding it. I may have just found it. When I grow up, I want to empower women.

Puzzle solved (maybe just the corner piece!)

I have been reading "Mother-Daughter Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup and learning so much about myself and women in general. But the most fantastic realization occurred for me yesterday.

I started my period (what we affectionately call "george" in my house) yesterday. When I was in bed reading my book I remembered that I had just read a section about menstrual cycles and how it affects ALL of your body, not just the physical or emotional, but how you can tell. I guess there are just ways of communicating that help me to see the full picture, and this did it. I realized that I could have been gauging the arrival of my visitor, George, had I paid attention to the signs. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday and had been feeling anxious and overwhelmed the past couple of days. I start to feel like I just can't cope and then George knocks on my door.

I know to many of you this may be something you can gauge easily, but my cycle is far from regular and I am constantly battling ADD tendencies and emotions, so this learning curve about my body gave me a huge boost of confidence that I am somewhat aware enough to have a little control over my life. Happy thoughts.

Chicken Pox Parties

I recently joined an online forum of women in the Anchorage area, and one of their children has chicken pox. So she's inviting everyone to come over and join in on the fun. I immediately looked at this as an oppurtunity but felt something telling me this was not the time. So I have been doing research online and asked many people of their opinions on the subject. You would not believe the people that think that a vaccine is the answer to all of their problems.

One of the main problems (I will post sites soon as a reference) is that the vaccine does not protect you for life. Due to the newness of the vaccine no one really knows for sure how long it protects a person. Since Chicken Pox are among the more deadly and unhappy illnesses for adults, it raises the questions of what to do when you're 30 and your vaccine has probably worn out. Do you go get another one? Of course you do! But if you're a child and have a very very VERY small chance of having a severe case, then why not take the risk.

Every day I put my baby at risk. I drive her to and from work in a car that has a good safety rating and I put her in the best child seat known to man, but that isn't a guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed. So you have to make the best decision you can based on your understanding of the risk factors involved.

So I'm weiging my options. I know Ali will not be receiving the vaccine and that I will expose her at some point, but is now the right time? There's something in my gut that tells me no. But there's also something that says yes. I'm waiting to hear from my doctor. I have a feeling when I'm done talking with her that yes will be my more prevalant decision, but I'm not entirely sure I will follow through due to my gut reaction. Instinct is important, and I want to honor that.

Yep...That's my kid. God she's cute!

Fat/Money/Impusive Wagons are all alike!

In my effort to purge non-essential foods out of my diet I've decided to try and purge the ridiculous spending habits and impulses in my life. Granted, in a couple of days I'm sure I'll be binging on Kaladi Brother's Mochas and McDonalds, but until then I am Zen.

They go hand in hand really. I spend the money on the things that I don't need. and then I worry about how much toilet paper is when I go to the grocery store. I worry about the nickel and diming while purchasing diapers (Yeah, I know I should be using cloth), paper towels, fruit, etc...but not when I'm paying the extra 50c for the Soy in my Mocha and the 25c for the extra flavor. Or the amazing poppyseed muffins that LaRoma Bakery delivers to Kaladi brothers every morning. Which, by the way, has more calories in it that you should have during one meal. Even while you're nursing, which I am. (That's going to be a whole new topic!)

Off of the fat wagon again

I just can't seem to gain the same motivation for losing weight that I had a few months ago. I wanted it so badly and I believed Oprah (who wouldn't) when she said I had to do this for ME before I could do anything for anyone else. I figured that there was no excuse good enough, and of course beat myself up when there was one. So I quit. I know...that's ridiculous. But I have found that I am not good at moderation. I am hot or cold. I'm trying desperately to have a more balanced outlook on fitness and nutrition, but I keep running into walls. Whether it's a beer wall or a hamburger wall...it's there and it's not moving!

I'm going to try again. I REALLY want to be at least 150 when we go to hawaii, and I would LOVE to be 145! Even to reach 160 would be wonderful. But I have to get off of my ass. That means saying goodby to my mocha and muffin. My eating out habit must go. And I have to listen to my husband when he asks me to go to the gym when he gets home from work. sigh.....yay! I'm so excited (yawn) to start. (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...)

Hypocrites....Why I catch myself being one so frequently

I love to get up on my soapbox (as do most) but I find that I'm right more often than most. How can I be wrong, it's coming from my brain right?

I found myself analyzing certain people (No, I will not be naming names, but you can be rest assured, it's not you) and how they respond to the mountain of knowledge I contain and enjoy telling everyone about. I actually really do try to not sound like a know it all, or like my way is the best way, or that I REALLY fully understand ANYTHING I'm talking about, but I also know I tend to sound like a know it all snob, so with that in mind I will continue.

My path this past year has led me to a whole new way of life. I have taken on a more "natural" existence, and although the road is slow and sluggish due to preconceived ideas and cultural attitudes, I still believe natural and non-invasive medicine and life is better. However when I try to tell these "people" about something I may have learned, or something that has helped me along these lines I feel that I get the "Oh, she's talking that hocus pocus again". No one has been rude. In fact I'm most likely way to overly sensitive and paranoid and what I'm really picking up on could be someone's indigestion.

So when someone came to me with a great medical natural breakthrough, I found myself being the skeptical one. So after a few days of feeling smarter than everyone else, I decided to do my own research and find out for myself if what they were claiming is true. I found that it is, mostly. But I also found some precautionary information that I will share with these people later, after I consult with my doctor.

I think that too many people see "natural" and immediately think that it's okay to just start ingesting, but I don't like to do anything like that without consulting my doctor. I trust that she knows a lot more than I do and that she'll make sure whatever I'm taking is beneficial...not harmful or just wasteful.

Oh...did I mention that I want to go into the medical field now? hhmmm...I didn't? Oh well.

God...an entire month already?

I've had the busiest month. I worked two jobs (which really barely equals full time for me, but nonetheless) and my daughter turned 1! Holy crap! An entire year old. It's not enough that she has to be a year, but then it feels like her birthday just put her on fast forward for development. She says more and does more every day. Things that you can't imagine she would know how to do, she just DOES. whew....makes me weepy and exhausted just to think about it.

I cried the other day at the silliest thing that she did. I asked her to give her teddy bear a hug and she did. It was the SWEETEST thing I'd ever seen, and I just started crying like...well, a baby. I'm such a sap.

We had a great fourth - chillin at the folks house. Drinking, food and just chillin. Very fun. Alison I think, had more fun than the rest of us though.