Why didn't anyone tell me about the no sleep part?

ha ha...I know. Everyone should realize that their not supposed to get any sleep when they have kids, but it's still a shock when you go through a whole night without getting much, if any, sleep.

There were a number of factors that contributed to us bringing Alison to bed with us at night. The fire that started it all was one night when she wouldn't let me put her down. She would be totally asleep - limp limb and all - and I would lay her down in her crib. If I was lucky enough for her to make it to the laying down part, then it wouldn't be but two minutes later she was screaming bloody murder. She did that for three nights. We tried to have her cry it out. But that only lasted about 45 minutes.

So, of course, now I get parents who like to tell me how she's already walking all over me and how I'll never have a sex life again. Which just tells me that they don't really know what their talking about and that their just scared to move into a direction that isn't recommended by some government medical board. Anyway, I felt that making her cry it out wasn't doing anyone any good. I don't care if a million people tell me that it doesn't hurt my baby to make her cry. It doesn't do her much good and it stresses me out and makes me cry, so sleeping with her seemed to be the best decision.

Now comes the battle of when to get her out of the bed. Because I was to breastfeed until she's about 18 months to two years old, I think that getting her out of our bed sooner would be foolish. I would go back to not getting enough sleep, by having to physically get out of bed at least one to however many times a night to feed her. When now, all I have to do is roll over.

I had a friend tell me how she put the crib next the bed and spent about two nights getting her son acclamated to it by touching him through the bars when he got upset. Now on these sleepless nights I dream of not having her in bed with me.

So at 5:30 AM, when I had intended to be at the gym for the third time in a week, I was looking up baby sleep pattern information on the internet while Alison watched Bear in the Big Blue House and rubbed her eyes because she was so exhausted. My goal today is to keep her awake as much as possible. She normally takes a pretty long afternoon nap, but I'm going to cut it back to an hour today and push her through to her bedtime. Hopefully that will all work. I also think I'm going to try feeding her and bathing her every night right before bed, to try and establish a better routine. Right now she normally just falls asleep in my arms watching tv, whenever it suits her. I'm just too lazy to get on a schedule.

Way too fast

Alison is just exploding in abilities this last week. She started by pulling herself up to her feet, but bent over, to fully standing and walking along furniture. Watching her crawl you can sense her frustration that she can only go so fast. I wonder if that means she'll be a runner and beat up all the boys...or if we're in trouble and it means that she'll just be able to catch them sooner!

She's also starting to really "talk" back to you and play the yelling game, where we volley yells back and forth for awhile until she sees something shiny. It's pretty cute.

Although I'm sure you all just want pictures, so I'll try to send some.

I gave money to Dr. Laura

I know many of you don't like her. My friends tell me how she talks down to people, and how she is too abrupt, too short, too rude, etc. It took me a long time to not feel that way myself, but I see now that she simplifies what we all make so complicated. She organizes those attitudes into very black or white options that are decent, moral, and ethical decisions. I agree with her about 95% of the time and wonder how she can talk to so many self-centered people all day long (because I'm selfless of course. ha ha.).

Today I finally picked up "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", which Joe constantly reminds me I don't need to read, which makes me cry as I read this book. Now this is not to say that men can't be self-centered or bitchy, but women have so much pride built up and such a martyrdom attitude that I am amazed so many men can stand it. I have prided myself on not "nagging", on being the "appreciative" wife and of taking care of my husband so much that I did not see what I was doing that was manipulative or just plain rude.

He works so hard for this family. He provides for us. As we speak he is standing in -20 degree weather as a parking attendant so that I can get my hair done and we can pay some bills. He does this every week and only mildly complains, always adding at the end of a complaint that it's all worth it because he's taking care of us.

I can always find something to complain about, even when I think I'm happy and have nothing to complain about. It's amazing what a pain in the ass women can be. I remember a quote from a magazine about a woman who had been divorced and always hasseled her ex about how he folded the towels wrong, and how she's just happy that her second husband folds them at all. Even though I remind myself of that statement all the time, it is so hard to get over yourself. How, as a woman, do you lower yourself off of your own gigantic shining diamond pedestal and realize that your husband is holding your pedestal with his teeth? You're so high on top that you can't even see him below. You CAN see that he didn't wipe off the stove when he did the dishes, or that he didn't close the shower curtain (a fun arguement in our house, that I am very guilty of starting) when he was done showering, or that when he comes to snuggle up to you and tell you how beautiful you are you try to briefly shrug him off because it's not the most convenient time for you (ie, cooking, cleaning, baby, makeup, email, tv, etc).

I have a friend that adores her husband, and appreciates him so so much, but says that on her way home from work she starts counting in her head all of the things that she knows he hasn't done. So by the time she walks in the door she is furious with him before she even realizes it. I know that we all do this to some degree. I think maybe it's either female nature or it's trained in us as a child that we can mold our man or have expectations for him beyond what he was made to do.

sigh...I am learning to prioritize. Daddy said to me yesterday that I had to make sure that I kept everyone in the right priority. Joe, Me then alison. I agreed with him, but in the back of my mind I was saying to myself, "Don't I have to make myself happy first before everyone around me can be happy?". I wish I had never heard that, or been told it, although I'm sure that it served its purpose. However now it's my stumbling block. Preventing me from taking care of the man who takes care of me and my family. That man who go out in FREAKING COLD ASS weather to get me ice cream in the middle of the night if I asked him. The man who will stick his hand down the creepy disposal to fix it because I'm too much of a chicken to do it even with gloves on. (shiver....eeeewww) He starts my car for me, he lets me pick the movies, the restaurants, the food, the furniture, the clothes, the hair, and anything else my little heart desires. And all he asks for in return is for me to love him and be happy. Not a bad price I think. Guess I'd better screw my head back on straight and get over myself.

Joe, Alison and Amber 

Baby Klingons

I know that everyone has their baby "klingon" stories and how to deal with difficult babies, but none of them know YOUR child. It's self-centered and still so true. I don't think it comes down to how all children should be raised, it comes down to how much you can handle. As they get older that perspective grows with your kids. You have to adapt to their world to face the oncoming blows. For instance, I think the "cry it out" attitude is a personal fit. A parenting direction that can only be determined when you're in the moment.

I am still in disbelief at how many women (and men) like to tell me how it's okay for me to shut the door and let her scream. That it's actually good for them to learn some independence and to build their lungs up. I'm not in disbelief that people do that, because I don't see anything wrong with it. What I find so hilarious is how many people feel that they have to defend the decisions they made with their own children (ie. cry it out, formula feeding, disposable diapers). I don't judge how people raise their children. We try to judge what is right for us and go from there, regardless of how other people feel. I'm pretty sure that I was let to cry it out sometimes and that I even had formula (insert scary music here). And I think I still turned out pretty damn good.

Today has been a trying day for those feelings. I dream of sleeping alone with my husband and not having my chest (and other body parts) sucked on countless times during the night, but I also cherish this time and don't want to force her into her crib if this is where she is happiest. I am going to try and find a happy medium for awhile, until we come to the breaking point. When we get there we can reevaluate our findings.

I experimented with the crying game today. I'm alone at my office this week, so who cares if she cries, right? Well, I'm sure she does, and of course I do, but I try to lie to myself and say that it doesn't bother me and that it's good for her. So I let her cry about two feet away from me for about a half an hour. I would pick her up periodically, or stroke her hair, or readjust her position in her "area" and surround her with toys. None of it even slowed her down (except for the brief moment she was in my arms). And what a look! Huge gobs of wetness flowing out of every hole on her face, while she tried to claw her way up the side of her gate, all the while wailing and looking at me desperately. "Help me Mommy. I'm so sad." God...makes me weepy just putting this much thought into it.

Even funnier was this afternoon at home when I was doing a home project in the living room. I had her in her walker in front of a baby einstein DVD and was running in and out of the room getting tools. Every single time I left the room it was like someone turned on the crying switch, and it would promptly turn off every time I came back. I laughed at her every single time. I never left the room for more than 30 seconds (my apartment is dinky) and yet she continued to freak out no matter what.

My husband's boss said that some babies are just klingy and need to have you close and you just find a way to deal with it. But she also sticks her daugher in day care 8 hours a day, so is that how she deals with it? I'm not criticizing her, I'm just trying to point out that there are so many different scenarios to consider and that no one person has the answer.

This kid is gonna run me over when she's a teen. Lord help us all...